From the archives - This article was originally published in 2008 on my old site.
Experiencing Grief
Everyone has had a friend or loved one go through a time of grief. Sooner or later tragedy, pain and loss strike each person and as a result of this we all have witnessed a friend or loved one grieving some loss.
How we interact with others in grief can determine whether we bless or damage that person. The worst insults a grieving person receives are often from a well-meaning friend or loved one. Some of you know what I mean all too well.
Unfortunately, most of us feel poorly equipped to help someone who is grieving a loss. This article will provide some simple guidelines to help readers better understand the grief process and how to be a positive support and encouragement to your friend or loved one during grief. We will explore the nature and causes of grief, grief response and stages, supporting those in grief, and some helpful hints for being a positive support to those in grief.
What is Grief
Grief is the natural human response to loss.
The US National Mental Health Information Center defines grief this way:
“Grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes from losing someone or something important to you.” [Link]
Causes of Grief
There are many specific events or circumstances that a person may grieve. However, they all have at their core a sense of loss. This loss may be real or imagined, tangible or intangible, but the grief reaction is the same. Death is perhaps the greatest and most significant cause of grief because the loss is felt to be so permanent and unalterable. However, a divorce, major illness or injury, loss of a job or business, separation from friends or loved ones, or similar situations that result in a feeling of loss may all trigger a grief response.
There are actually many situations and circumstances that could feel like a significant loss to a person. The reality is that what impacts me significantly may not impact you in the same way. This is true with many things because people have different priorities and values. You may find your loved one grieving a loss that does not seem that significant to you – but the loss may in fact be very real to them.
Stages of Grief / Grief Response
All human beings experience a grief response when faced with loss. Grief often feels like a mixture of numbness and sadness, particularly in the early stages of the grief process. Many people have attempted to develop a model of the grief process to help individuals in grief as well as those who seek to support them. Two grief models are considered in this article.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with developing a helpful model outlining five stages of grief. Kubler-Ross published these five stages in her book, Death and Dying (1969). Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief are perhaps the most common and popular model of the grief process.
Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief, represented by the acronym DABDA, as:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Every person experiences the same five stages of grief outlined in Kubler-Ross’s model. While all five stages must be experienced as part of the healing process people may progress through these stages in different orders and at different rates. While denial is typically the first stage of the grief process, anger may or may not be the second stage that a person experiences. Similarly, just because denial is the first stage and a person has progressed into another stage does not mean that they will not revisit the denial stage.
The US National Mental Health Information Center outlines a four-step grieving process. They identify the four steps as:
- Accept the loss
- Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief
- Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost
- Move on with life
Each of these models provide a helpful framework to understand the grief process. However, it is important not to get hung up in predicting where a person should or should not be based on a particular model. These are models only and even trained counselors sometimes disagree about which model best represents the grief process or where an individual may be in the process.
The grief process will vary and look different for each individual. For instance, men and women may grieve the same loss differently. A person’s own personality and history with loss and grief will also impact their response to a loss. A person’s family background will often have a significant impact on how they grieve when faced with loss. I had one professor in college who used to say, “Styles are learned in families of origin.” There is a lot of truth to that statement. When everything falls apart we tend to default back to the responses we learned from our families – whether these responses worked or not.
Supporting Those who Grieve
Most people want to be helpful to a friend or family member who is suffering emotional pain and grieving. Unfortunately, many people do not know how to help or what to say (or not say) and, consequently, too many people say some very unhelpful or hurtful things. Worse yet, there is a prevailing opinion in our culture that a person in grief should be over their grief in a short time. Neither of these situations is helpful to the person in grief.
There are some things that should never be said to a person who is grieving a loss. Never. These statements (and a host of others statements like them) are simply never helpful. These type of statements are hurtful and damaging to the person you are supposed to be helping.
Never tell someone in grief:
- I know how you feel (you don’t know how they feel – everyone’s situation in unique)
- Everything will be okay (you don’t know that everything will be okay – you cannot see the future)
- It’s not a big deal (actually, it is a big deal to them if they are grieving this loss – it’s just not a big deal to you)
- All things work together for good (don’t even go there – unless you want to finish derailing their faith)
- You’ll be over this before you know it, and then you can find another… (another very unhelpful thing to say to someone in grief)
These type of statements are so damaging to a person in grief that it would be hard to overstate the impact. We do not know exactly how the person feels even if we have been through a similar loss. We do not know that everything will be okay for we do not know the future. The fact that this particular loss does not seem significant to us does not mean that the loss is not significant to someone else. We are well aware that God can bring roses out of ashes, but this cliche is not helpful to someone who has just suffered a significant loss. We realize that the person will probably move beyond their grief and find meaning in life again, but this process takes time and cannot be arrived at until the loss is first grieved.
Perhaps the classic Biblical example of friends running their mouths when they should have simply sat with a person in grief is found in the story of Job. Job lost nearly everything, including his health, wealth, and family, and sat grieving and mourning. Job’s friends came to visit and then proceeded to assault Job with cliches and opinions. The only problem is that, while their counsel may have sounded wise on the surface, they completely missed the point of what Job was experiencing. YHWH God eventually showed up and set the friends straight, reproving them because they had not spoken of him correctly. It is very easy to misrepresent God to someone during their time of grief and loss.
Somehow we have arrived at a cultural assumption that we need to say something to someone who is in grief. We seem to think that we need to say something to make the person feel better. Nothing could be further from the truth. Quite often the best thing that we can do for a loved one in grief is to simply sit with them for a while and let them know that we love them. They usually do not need to hear our brilliant wisdom and philosophy. What they need is for us to love them and be willing to feel their pain with them.
Grieving a loss is a process – and sometimes the process is very long indeed. Remember to give your friend or loved one time and space to grieve their loss. Be very careful about assuming that someone should “be over it” by now. Pressuring others to rush the grief process only serves to prevent much-needed healing. Depending on the person and the loss it may require months or even years for them to work through their grief and truly arrive at a place of healing.
Helpful Hints (Dos and Don’ts)
While each person and situation is unique and individual there are some general guidelines that are helpful in nearly every situation. There are also some things that are almost never helpful in any situation.
Helpful ideas to support a loved one in grief:
- Be willing to sit with the person without offering opinions or advice
- Tell the person “I am sorry” and “I love you” – and leave it at that
- Make offers of help specific rather than generic – people in grief often cannot process all that needs to be done
- Make visits short so as not to tire the person – people in grief need time alone to grieve
- Continue to make phone calls and send cards long after the initial event – people often feel forgotten in the months and years following a loss
- Mark your calendar with major anniversaries and holidays that will be difficult for the person – then send cards or call on those days
- Provide the person with the time and space that they need to grieve their loss
Things to avoid when supporting a loved one in grief:
- Avoid cliches and advice – they don’t need to hear it right now
- Don’t overstay your visit – they need time alone just like they need to see friends and family
- Never minimize their loss of their grief – the loss and grief process are very real to them
- Don’t rush the grief process – healing takes time
Conclusion
Ultimately, supporting a friend or loved one during their time of grief means being a true friend to the person. This requires putting aside our own comfort and agenda in favor of simply being there and sharing their pain. Supporting people in grief means loving them where they are at rather than where we wish they were and where we would be more comfortable if they were.
Your friend or loved one needs you during their time of grief. Don’t stay away because they are grieving. Just remember to give them space and time, and remember that they do not expect you to have all of the answers either. During times of loss and grief it is enough for them to know that you are there and that you care.